Clean Up Crew
by doubleyy
Summary: The only reason why the world is still livable, is because someone always ends up having to clean up the mess that heroes and monsters made. Oneshot.


_I hate my job!_

"I hate monsters. I hate heroes. I. Hate. My. Job." I grumbled as I put the last part of the building together. Now the rest of the city left…

Yeah right, no way that I would be able to do it all on my own. Saitama was known by the Clean Up Crew as the S class destruction, meaning that defeating one enemy meant at least one city being destroyed.

And guess what? Saitama just defeated a weirdass monster, a _virus_ , that claimed to have the mission to erase all human beings. So yeah right that I would be able to clean up the class S destruction left behind from the… punch.

I pulled the phone from the pocket of my pants and texted the headquarters.

'Peter Pan to Neverland.  
Backup requested.  
City destruction level: Bald'

I didn't even got the change of putting my phone back when it started to play the familiar tune, indicating that I received a message.

'Neverland to Peter Pan.  
Request denied.  
We can't afford more traumatized people.'

"DAMN IT!"

 _It's raining blood!_

"God, what have I ever done wrong to you?!" I shouted in frustration. One vacation. I just wanted _one_ vacation and where did I end up in my first vacation in years?

City B

And what did just happen in city B?

Oh I don't know, maybe a giant man fell from the sky while raining his blood all over the ground? Well… that was exactly what happened! And who did it?

My greatest enemy: Saitama.

The guy that caused almost all of my heavy clean up jobs, the guy that destroyed cities to safe humans… and why? Because he was a hero _for fun_. I knew it. I asked him, though he probably couldn't remember me like all the other citizens whose houses I repaired with the other members of the Clean Up Crew. So much for making sure that the world was still livable.

"Shit!" I cursed when I heard the cursed tune that indicated that I had a message.

'Neverland to Peter Pan.  
Next job: clean up city B.  
Destructions do not get vacations.'

" _I_ WAS ON A VACATION, DAMN IT!"

 _False hope!_

I watched the, what were they called again, underdog people? No wait. Underground people wave their white flag right after Saitama defeated their king with too much enthusiast. The bald hero looked disappointed at the surrender, but I sighed in relief. Knowing that I didn't have to fix up too much after coming back from my last job in city B, though it was supposed to be my vacation.

When the self-appointed hero was left the scene, I walked to the hole in the ground and smiled at the minimal destruction that I had to fix u- Wait, why did I get another message from the Clean Up Crew?

'Neverland to Peter Pan.  
Next job: repair the tunnels made by the underground people.  
Damage does not only exist above the ground.'

"DAMN IT! I WAS JUST GETTING FALSE HOPE!"

 _Problems multiplied!_

Who knew that mosquitoes could do this much destruction… who am I kidding? Who knew that mosquitoes in combination with Saitama and a… cyborg? What the hell is a cyborg doing in city Z?

"Allow me to be your disciple!"

"Ah, okay."

…Alright. Keep calm. This is just a minor pro- who am I kidding?! This is a _huge_ problem!

'Peter Pan to Neverland.  
Backup requested.  
Saitama just got an apprentice.'

Again, it didn't take long before I got an answer.

'Neverland to Peter Pan.  
Request denied.  
Go back to sleep.'

"IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE, DAMN IT!"

 _It's not even my mess!_

After fixing several holes in the ground, tunnels and broken buildings, I could finally go to the special sale, buy some food and get some well-earned rest. Luckily enough, the destructions caused by Saitama + apprentice did not equal double amount of destruction like I feared. Actually, it seemed to be less than before!

Or maybe the enemies were just so much weaker or they didn't get the chance to destroy the city because Saitama got there in time for a change…

Wait. This place… Saitama lived here, didn't he? Anyways, I could finally end me-

No.

Nonnononono. I just cleaned up this mess, so why did I get another message from the Clean Up Crew?

'Neverland to Peter Pan.  
Next job: Assist Tiger Lily.  
Picture attached.'

I stared at the pictures for a full minute before allowing my knees to give in and collapse to the ground. Saitama…

"SERIOUSLY SAITAMA?! PUNCHING A HOLE IN A FUCKING MOUNTAIN? I HATE YOU, DAMN IT!"

 _Terrorist do not cause as much destructions as heroes!_

My first thoughts when I saw the news about the terrorists? They were bald. And what did bald equal in my mind? Destruction. Though this group, paradise something, did not look as destructive as Saitama, the riot outside managed to make me want to crawl in a hole and hope that I would be able to escape the mess.

Why? Because the riot outside was caused by the bald Saitama of course.

My eyes involuntarily followed the white cape with growing trepidation as the figure made his way through the crowd and walked into the forest where he would surely create more destruction for our crew to clean up…

"I don't know if I'm suicidal, or simply a masochist." I grumbled as I ran after Saitama, into the forest. It would be better if I got there quickly to prevent the total destruction of the forest or a forest fire. Those things were hard to fix, even harder than a destroyed four star hotel.

Somehow I managed to reach Saitama as a… ninja declared Saitama as a rival and left. A. rival. A rival, which meant more destructions for me to fix in the future. Saitama + apprentice did not cause much more destruction yet, but Saitama + apprentice + rival?

No wonder that my knees gave in and that I was sobbing on the hard ground while hitting the earth in powerlessness.

"Hey there, be careful or you will hurt the earth if you do that." Saitama frowned as he walked past me. "The youth of these days…"

"…I AM NOT THE ONE THAT HURT THE EARTH! _YOU_ ARE, DAMN IT!"

 _I just want a break!_

It was a beautiful day. No destructions, no people screaming in fear of yet another threat of their peaceful life, no Saitama. It was a beautiful day… until I got a call from the Clean Up Crew. A call, not a text.

"Hello?" I frowned. I was _never_ called by my employers, they preferred texting me my sufferings.

"Hey Peter!" a girlish voice chirped.

"Wendy? What are you doing at the headquarters? And it's Peter Pan, remember my codename already." I sighed.

"Don't be a spoilsport, Pete-chan. Anyways, I've got good news!"

"…"

"You don't want to know?"

"…"

"Alrighty! Saitama is now officially registered as a hero and he is a Clean Up Crew S class destruction. So this means that he needs a fulltime Clean Up member to watch his actions… congratulations with your promotion!"

"Wait what?!"

"That means that you are going to watch over Saitama and clean up his mess, of course. See you later Peter!"

I watched my phone as it was dropped to the ground and bounced three times. I got a promotion. I had to watch over Saitama. I had to…

Damn it all.

 **Hey guys, doubleyy here.**

 **My best friend got me to read and watch this series and between the WTF's and OMG's, it's an amazing series and I couldn't help but wanting to write this little oneshot. Peter Pan is just one of the many members of the Clean Up Crew and I tried to write Peter as a genderless person (despite the masculine name), meaning that Peter could be _anyone and everyone_. It sounded funny to me that every country had different headquarters named after stories like Neverland and that every CUC member had their own code names like Peter Pan, Tiger Lily and Wendy. Anyways, thanks for reading this oneshot and please review.** **PS. i do not own One Punch Man.**

 **Doubleyy out.**


End file.
